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Kindle clinback.co ✓ The Complete Prose of Woody Allen eBook ´ The

Here they are some of the funniest tales and ruminations ever put into print by one of the great comic minds of our time From THE WHORE OF MENSA to GOD A Play to NO KADDISH FOR WEINSTEIN old and new Woody Allen fans will laugh themselves hysterical over these sparkling gems


10 thoughts on “The Complete Prose of Woody Allen

  1. says:

    Without Feathers Woody AllenWithout Feathers is one of Woody Allen's best known literary pieces The book is a collection of essays and also features two one act plays Death and GodContentsSelections from The Allen NotebooksExamining Psychic PhenomenaA Guide to Some of the Lesser BalletsThe ScrollsLovborg's Women ConsideredThe Whore of Mensa 2Death A PlayThe Early EssaysA Brief Yet Helpful Guide to Civil DisobedienceMatch Wits With Inspector FordThe Irish GeniusGod A PlayFabulous Tales and Mythical BeastsBut Soft Real SoftIf the Impressionists Had Been DentistsNo Kaddish for WeinsteinFine Times An Oral MemoirSlang Originsتاریخ نخستین خوانش روز دهم امه ژوئن سال 2005 میلادیعنوان بی بال و پر طنزهای وودی آلن؛ نویسنده وودی آلن؛ مترجم محمود شرف آزاد تهرانی؛ تهران، ماه ریز، 1383؛ در 175ص؛ چاپ دوم 1384؛ موضوع طنز نویسندگان امریکایی سده 20معنوان بی بال و پر؛ نویسنده وودی آلن؛ مترجم نگار شاطریان؛ تهران، بیردگل، 1393؛ در 163ص؛ چاپ دوم 1396؛ شابک 9786005193817؛نقل از متن «گزیده هایی از یادداشت های آلن آنچه پیش رو دارید، گزیده هایی است از یادداشتهای خصوصی وودی آلن تا بدین لحظه، که در قالب مجموعه ای پسامرگ و یا بعد از فوت وی منتشر خواهد شد، هر کدام زودتر فرا برسد؛ هر شب را سختتر از شب قبل به روز میرسانم؛ دیشب، احساس ناخوشایندی داشتم، گویی چند مرد میخواستند به اتاقم یورش بیاورند تا مرا بشویند؛ اما برای چه؟ مدام اشکالی شبحگونه از ذهنم میگذشت، و ساعت سه صبح زیرپوشم که روی صندلی پهن کرده بودم ناگهان به شکل کایزر با اسکیت درآمد؛ وقتی بالاخره خوابم برد، همان کابوس وحشتناک همیشگی را دیدم؛ یک موش خرما میخواست در یک مسابقه جایزه ام را بگیرد؛ دیگر هیچ کورسوی امیدی برایم باقی نمانده است؛ احساس میکنم اوضاعِ خورد و خوراکم بدترشده ؛همینطور آسمم؛ هر از گاهی سینه ام خس خس میکند، و بیش از پیش دچار سرگیجه میشوم؛ تازگیها حملاتی بهم دست میدهد، نفسم بالا نمیآید و غش میکنم؛ اتاقم نم گرفته و مدام اضطراب و تپش قلب دارم؛ تازه فهمیده ام که دستمالهایم هم ته کشیده اند؛ کی میتوانم یک نفس راحت بکشم؟ طرح یک داستان مردی متوجه میشود که طوطی اش به سِمَت وزیر کشاورزی منصوب شده؛ حسادت مثل خوره به جانش میافتد و تصمیم میگیرد، با شلیک گلوله ای خودش را بکشد، اما از بدِ روزگار، تفنگش از آن تفنگهایی است که با کشیدن ماشه یک پرچم کوچک از لوله اش درمیآید، که رویش نوشته «بنگ»؛ پرچم چشمش را از کاسه درمیآورد، اما زنده میماند؛ این اتفاق همچون تلنگری او را به خود میآورد، و او برای نخستین بار، به لذتهای ساده ی زندگی پی میبرد، لذتهایی همچون کشاورزی یا نشستن روی شلنگ تلمبه؛ اندیشه ی پشت این طرح چه میشود که انسان به کشتن رو میآورد؟ برای به دست آوردن غذاست که میکشد؛ تازه فقط غذا نیست معمولاً پای یک نوشیدنی هم در میان است؛ آیا باید با دابلیو ازدواج کنم؟ خب اگر حاضر نشود بقیه ی حروف اسمش را به من بگوید چه؟ شغلش را چه کار کنم؟ آخر من چگونه میتوانم از زنی به این زیبایی بخواهم رولِر دِربی را کنار بگذارد؛ باید تصمیم بگیرم؛یکبار دیگر دست به خودکشی زدم؛ اینبار دماغم را خیس کردم و آنرا در پریز برق فروکردم؛ از بد روزگار، سیم کشی اتصالی کرد و محکم کوبیدم به یخچال؛ همچنان در افکار خودکشی غوطه میخورم؛ مانده ام که آیا پس از مرگ حیاتی وجود دارد، و اگر وجود دارد میتوانند این بیست دلاری ام را برایم خرد کنند؟ امروز در یک مراسم تشییع جنازه برادرم را دیدم؛ پانزده سالی میشد که همدیگر را ندیده بودیم، اما باز طبق معمول یک مثانه ی خوک از جیبش درآورد، و پشت سر هم آن را زد توی سرم؛ گذر زمان کمکم کرده تا بهتر درکش کنم؛ بالاخره فهمیدم این حرفش که من «یک موجود مشمئزکننده ام که فقط به درد کشتار جمعی میخورم»؛ بیشتر از روی دلسوزی است تا خشم؛ اما خودمانیم، همیشه از من زرنگتر بود، زرنگتر، باهوشتر، بافرهنگتر، تحصیل کرده تر؛ اما اینکه چرا هنوز در مک دونالد کار میکند، خدا میداند؛ طرح داستان چند سگ آبی تالار کارنگی را تصرف میکنند، و اپرای وُتزِک را اجرا میکنند؛ تم خوبی است؛ اما ساختارش را چه کار کنم؟؛ ای خدا، این همه احساس گناه برای چیست؟ برای اینکه از پدرم متنفر بودم؟ لابد به خاطر آن ماجرای خوراک گوشت گوساله و پارمزان است؛ خب توی کیف پولش چه کار میکرد؟ شانس آوردم به حرفش گوش نکردم، وگرنه الان قالبزن کلاه بودم؛ هنوز صدایش توی گوشم است «قالبزنی کلاه، بهترین شغل دنیا»؛ قشنگ یادم است وقتی بهش گفتم میخواهم نویسنده شوم چه واکنشی نشان داد؛ «تنها کاری که در ارتباط با نویسندگی خواهی کرد با یک جغد خواهد بود»؛ هنوز هم که هنوز است منظورش را از این حرف نفهمیده ام؛ چه مرد غمگینی وقتی اولین نمایشنامه ام، «کیستِ گاس» در تالار لایسام روی صحنه رفت، شب افتتاحیه با کت فراگ و ماسک ضد گاز به نمایش آمد؛ امروز غروب زرد و قرمزی را دیدم و مرا به این اندیشه فروبرد، که چقدر حقیرم البته، دیروز هم که باران میآمد همین فکر آمد سراغم؛ دوباره احساس تنفر از خود و افکار خودکشی بر من چیره شد، و دست به خودکشی زدم، اینبار با نفس کشیدن کنار یک بازاریاب بیمه؛ داستان کوتاه یک روز صبح مردی از خواب بیدار میشود و میفهمد که به کفی طبی خودش تبدیل شده؛ این ایده در لایه های گوناگونی قابل اجراست؛ از دیدگاه روانشناسی، جوهر اصلی آثار کروگر، شاگرد فروید، است که کاشف جنسیت در بیکن نیز بوده؛ امیلی دیکینسون تا چه حد در اشتباه بود امید «موجودی با پر و بال» نیست؛ اینگونه که پیداست، آن موجود دارای پر و بال برادرزاده ی من است؛ باید او را پیش یک متخصص در زوریخ ببرم؛ تصمیم گرفته ام نامزدیم را با دابلیو به هم بزنم؛ او نوشته های من را درک نمیکند؛ همین دیشب گفت که «نقدی بر واقعیت متافیزیکی» او را یاد فیلم «فرودگاه» میاندازد؛ حرفمان شد و او دوباره موضوع بچه ها را پیش کشید، ولی من قانعش کردم که بچه ها زیادی کوچکند؛ آیا من به خدا اعتقاد دارم؟ تا پیش از تصادف مادرم اعتقاد داشتم؛ ماجرا از این قرار است که مادرم روی یک چونه گوشت افتاد و گوشت در طحالش فرورفت؛ الان ماههاست که در کماست و نمیتواند هیچکاری انجام دهد به جز این که آواز «گرانادا» را برای یک شاه ماهی خیالی بخواند؛ چرا این زن در بهار زندگی اش، به چنین روزی افتاده است؟ چون در جوانی در برابر سُنتها ایستاده، و هنگام ازدواج یک پاکت کاغذی روی سرش کشیده است؟ چگونه میتوانم به خدایی اعتقاد داشته باشم وقتی همین هفته ی پیش زبانم بین غلتک دستگاه تایپ برقی گیر کرد؟ شک و تردید تمام وجودم را فراگرفته؛ اگر همه چیز توهم باشد و هیچ چیزی وجود نداشته باشد چه؟ اگر اینطور باشد که بدون شک پولی که بابت خرید فرشم دادم ارزشش را نداشته است؛ کاش خدا نشانه ای برایم میفرستاد مثلاً یک حساب پرپول در یک بانک سوئیسی به نامم باز میکرد» پایان نقلتاریخ بهنگام رسانی 29051399هجری خورشیدی؛ ا شربیانی


  2. says:

    If you haven't already read The Whore of Mensa then do so now Here's a trailerHi I'm Sherry They really knew how to appeal to your fantasies Long straight hair leather bag silver earrings no make upI'm surprised you weren't stopped walking into the hotel dressed like that I said The house dick can usually spot an intellectualA five spot cools himShall we begin? I said motioning her to the couch She lit a cigarette and got right to it I think we could start by approaching Billy Budd as Melville's justification of the ways of God to man n'est ce pas?Interestingly though not in a Miltonian sense I was bluffing I wanted to see if she'd go for it


  3. says:

    It is such a pity that Woody Allen's considerable comic talents and his genius as a film maker have been overshadowed by the controversies in his personal lifeI've loved those hilarious early Woody films like BananasSleeper and Love and Deathwhich were full of sight gags and side splittingly funnySoit was a bonus to find this bookwhich is from Woody's early phaseJust a bit disappointedhoweverI expected a five star bookwhich this one isn't uietHoweverthere are some brilliant pieces in this collectionparticularly The Whore of Mensaand a guide to civil disobedienceAs the introduction to the book statesWoody Allen's humour defies categorisationForever at war with just about everythinghe plays the role of the all time loser with riotous aplombAs the years have gone byWoody's personal life has taken on a darker shade and his later films are devoid of humourBut this book is still a good example of how funny he could be


  4. says:

    I ran into my brother today at a funeral We had not seen one another for fifteen years but as usual he produced a pig bladder from his pocket and began hitting me on the head with it Time has helped me understand him better I finally realized his remark that I am some loathsome vermin fit only for extermination was said out of compassion than anger Let's face it he was always much brighter than me wittier cultured better educated Why he is still working at McDonald's is a mystery Woody Allen A name which I'd only been familiar with on a very shallow level before reading this book will now go down as one of the most hysterical people to ever grace this earth in my book His mixture of intellect seemingly random tangents and borderline psychopathic ravings kept this book glued in my hands from start to finish I found either his personal thoughts or his descriptions of mythical creatures to be the most intriguing by intriguing I mean entertaining He fills each page with a seemingly vast knowledge of these unheard of topics giving the illusion of validity And for that he is a genius


  5. says:

    Loved the title a take on hope is the thing with feathers from Emily Dickinson Disliked pretty much the rest of the book I disliked it for apparently the same reasons that someone else liked it the book is self indulgent and weird


  6. says:

    I practically memorized this entire book when I was a sopho in high school so it probably brings a lot of bad memories to people who knew me then But seriously this was the funniest book I'd ever read up until that point The humor is a strange mix of borchst belt one liners and sophisticated critiues of man's faculty for reason and speculation It's an odd mix that manifests in truly odd esoteric pieces of intellectual inuiry What for example would be the main difference if the Impressionist painters had been dentists instead? Or how does Greek tragedy work if the chorus is borrowed from a production of My Fair Lady and the main spectacle of the performance is a machine that delivers God to the stage but God arrives dead? Most of the problems W Allen poses will never have to be encounterd in real life but their deadpan humor often relates us back to our own place in the cosmos For example in But SoftReal Soft Woody Allen takes on the age old intellectual argument over the authorship of Shakespeare's plays Everyone from Pope Alexander to Alexander Pope pops up as a possible subject The essay reminds us that ideas of immortality in literature are inherently dependent upon an education system that encourages memorization and interconnectedness This book makes those very concepts seem dear and impracticalFavorite bits from THE ALLEN NOTEBOOKS he writes Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the rest of the letters in her name The tone is half literary convention; half punchline Having cut his teeth in writing television gags and one liners Woody Allen can write good jokes and he can write interesting situations of philosophical interest The crazy thing is that he makes both kinds of tone work well togetherThe centerpieces of this book are 2 plays The first God pays tribute to the theatre festivals of the ancient Greeks but with a delightful intertextuality that also allows characters such as Stanly Kowalski and Blanche Dubois from Streetcar Named Desire to infiltrate the new theatre as imagined by playwrights Diabetes and Trichinosis The cross pollination of ancient Greek ideas of art and the universe along with contemporary uestions of existence makes for a lively inuiry into the meaning of the universe The second playDeath didn't work all that well and I remember hearing parts of the dialogue reworked into Shadows and Fog one of Allen's less interesting films But the pacing of the humor is admirable and it certainly is refreshing to read plays that like Pirandello's break down the conventions of theatre and remake them in new exciting waysThis book is a appropriate for precocious kids college students New Yorkers intellectuals and anyone who wants to laugh deeply at the folly of human existence Even after all these years I still laugh out loud at the twists at the timing at the vocabulary of humor ruptured her spleen is funny anything involving an insurance salesman is funny and of course meditations on life and death are funny funny funny One of his best


  7. says:

    An occasionally highly amusing compilation of slices of absurdist humour and satire by that most famous of neurotic Jews Woody Allen As uite the fan of his directorial efforts my recognition of his idiosyncratic brand of comedy was instantaneous It reminded me in particular of his delightful Love and Death 1975 which came out in the very same year as this book However rating this is tricky indeed Some pieces rightly deserve to be called comedic genius The Whore of Mensa Death A Play If the Impressionists Had Been Dentists A Brief Yet Helpful Guide to Civil Disobedience but unfortunately I didn't care as much for the others These alone would deserve a 5 star rating but as a whole package this book is of a three In these times of societal unrest It would be apt to provide some levity and leave you good folks with some passages from A Brief Yet Helpful Guide to Civil Disobedience If you find yourself to be receptive to the tone of them I do suggest you might want to pick this collection up Hunger Strike Here the oppressed goes without food until his demands are met Insiduous politicians will often leave biscuits within easy reach or perhaps some cheddar cheese but they must be resisted If the party in power can get the striker to eat they usually have little trouble putting down the insurrection If they can get him to eat and also lift the check they have won for sure In Pakistan a hunger strike was broken when the government produced an exceptionally fine veal cordon bleu which the masses found was too appealing to turn down but such gourmet dishes are rareThe problem with the hunger strike is that after several days one can get uite hungry particularly since sound trucks are paid to go through the street saying Um what nice chicken umm some peas umm A modified form of the Hunger Strike for those whose political convictions are not uite so radical is giving up on chives This small gesture when used properly can greatly influence a government and it is well known that Mahatma Gandhi's insistence on eating his salads untossed shamed the British government into many concessionsOther things besides food one can give up are whist smiling and standing on one foot and imitating a crane Demonstrations and Marches The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen Hence the term demonstration If a person demonstrates privately in his own home this is not technically a demonstration but merely acting silly or behaving like an assA fine example of a demonstration was the Boston Tea Party where outraged Americans disguised as Indians dumped British tea into the harbour Later Indians disguised as outraged Americans dumped actual British into the harbor Following that the British disguised as tea dumped each other into the harbor Finally German mercenaries clad only in costumes from The Trojan Woman leapt into the harbor for no apparent reasonWhen demonstrating it is good to carry a placard stating one's position Some suggested positions are1 Lower taxes2 Raise taxes3 Stop grinning at PersiansMiscellaneous methods of Civil Disobedience Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word pudding until one's demands are metTying up traffic by leading a flock of sheep into the shopping areaPhoning members of the establishment and singing Bless You Is My Woman Now into the phoneDressing as a policeman and then skippingPretending to be an artichoke but punching people as they pass


  8. says:

    Was about to toss this book then realized that shit who knows when a day might come when I'm really down and this could cheer me up If you have it unread take it on a vacation sometime and enjoy yourself That's what my beach fun fiction shelf is for


  9. says:

    I believe this was read just after graduation from Union Theological Seminary in New York during the first visit back to the Michigan cottage in four years At that time Dad was on his second marriage Her name was Lin she was right between his age and mine and so easy to relate to She was also a Scott Foresman and freelance editor the author of a successful Spanish textbook and polylingual uite an impressive person In any case I think the book was hers and I read it with much enjoyment as a release from years of serious study The title while normally credited to Emily Dickenson has a double meaning Other than her reference it also reminds one of Socrates' famous definition of a human being as a bird without feathers


  10. says:

    A collection of Allen’s comedic writings This is for the most part solid laugh out loud Allen parodies and absurdity Allen is at his best when parodying say the great Russian writers “Should I marry W? Not if she won’t tell me the other letters in her last name” or Ibsen as in “Lovborg’s Women Considered” or just being plain absurd as in the superbly useless “Slang Origins”Throughout the neurotic Allen themes resonate – fear of death and intimacy etc There are a couple of low points like “God A Play” which is somewhat flat compared to the true absurdity of the meta textual pioneers whom it parodies like Pirandello and Ionesco But in all this is prime vintage Allen and at his best he’s note perfect